This is the fifth installment of a ten-part series on "The Ten Commandments of a Christian Education" found in Mother Love: A Manual for Christian Mothers.
Fifth Commandment: Thou shalt love thy children all alike, for the sake of God. Thou shalt not leave unnoticed their good conduct and qualities, but encourage them to persevere and improve in good, and accustom them to its practice.
There is a lot rolled into these two sentences, and I could probably break this one commandment down into its own series. For the sake of simplicity, however, let's keep it to one post and simply take it clause by clause.
Love your children all alike, for the sake of God.
This seems like a statement that should really go without saying, but if we are honest with ourselves, it's one we may need to be reminded of from time to time.
Favoritism wreaks havoc. We see this in Scripture time and time again. For example, Rachel favored her son Jacob over her son Esau, and it caused strife, rivalry, deception, theft, distrust, and ultimately a decades-long familial breach (see Genesis 25 and following chapters). Though the brothers themselves reconciled before the end of their lives, the seeds of discord planted by this favoritism continued to plague their descendants, with the Israelites (the descendants of Jacob) and the Edomites (the descendants of Esau) warring against one other for centuries. In his own family, Jacob's preference for his son Joseph ultimately resulted in a sibling rivalry so intense that Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery.
While I doubt (and sincerely hope) very many of us struggle with this kind of outright, willful favoritism, we know from experience that some people, including our children, seem easier to love to than others sometimes. Perhaps one child's phlegmatic temperament and natural docility just make them easier to parent than the fiery, willful choleric child. Perhaps you had a difficult postpartum with one child due to depression or lack of maternity leave, and the bonding experience simply came easier with a subsequent child where those problems were ameliorated. It's not that you don't love your children equally, its just that sometimes, for whatever reason, it comes more naturally with one or another. There's nothing inherently wrong with the fact that some personalities click easier than others, but if this happens to be the case with one of our children, we must guard against a temptation to favoritism.
We must also guard against giving even the perception of favoritism. The impressions we give to others are extraordinarily important, and if one child, either correctly or incorrectly, perceives that he is being treated with more severity than another sibling, we need to do all we can to correct the perception. Sometimes this happens with older siblings who feel left out when all mom's attention and energy is diverted to a new baby. Sometimes it happens when the family's attention is more focused on another child due to health reasons or a particular stage in life.
Whatever the reason may be, prayer and the Sacrament of Reconciliation are essential here. So is a good, honest apology and the acknowledgment that impressions, even if they are incorrect, can hurt deeply. Taking time to do a regular "State of the Family" each month can be helpful for catching these temptations or impressions before they get too out of hand, and scheduling intentional time with each child in your Rule of Life is another good way to ensure your limited time and energy is balanced across your brood.
Notice Your Children's Good Conduct and Qualities and Encourage Them to Persevere and Improve in Good.
There's a curious phenomenon among humans that our memories tend to be rather short-lived with the good, but long-lived with the bad. It's the reason we can look back over an average day and remember the aggravations more readily than the blessings, or the reason memories of painful events hit us so much more strongly than memories of happier times. It's also the reason it's so much easier to critique than to compliment.
Unfortunately, the same can be true with our children. Part of our role as mothers is to instruct our children, and this means we often have to correct their behavior. We can easily fall into a pattern of correcting more than we are encouraging, however. We can become so hyper-focused on their faults, that we neglect to verbalize the good they do.
Research shows, however, that positive reinforcement leads to stronger outcomes in the long-run than negative reinforcement. Noticing our children's good qualities and praising them is key to helping them build both confidence and the desire to repeat the virtuous behavior.
One way to do this is by "sandwiching" your corrections with compliments. You affirm the good, give the correction, and then follow it up with another compliment. For example, my youngest child is famous for creating elaborate forts, but notorious for failing to pick them up. I may say to him, "Wow! I really love the fort you made! I can see how much work you put into it. Now it's time to pick it up, though, and I need you to do it without whining." Once he's picked it up, I take time to praise him for his obedience: "You did such a great job! It makes me so happy when you pick up well, and I know Jesus and Mary feel loved when they see you growing in that virtue!"
Another way to incorporate more encouragement and praise into your routine is by ending your family's day verbalizing three specific, good things you noticed about each family member. They can be big or small things, and even if (especially if) a child has had a particularly challenging day, taking time to intentionally praise the good they did that day is especially encouraging to them.
Accustom Your Children to the Practice of Good
A family friend recently described to my husband and me a talk that he gave to a group of fathers and their high school-aged daughters. The gist of the talk was that it's good and necessary to play together as a family, but if you're not also praying with your family and serving with your family, you aren't truly leading your family. The fact is, if we want our children to grow into good, virtuous Christians - if we want them to become saints - then we must model sanctity for them and give them opportunities to practice virtue.
This can't be a sporadic event in family life. Part of the definition of a saint is someone who demonstrated heroic virtue in their lives. Like a muscle, virtue won't grow to the level of heroics if it's not exercised regularly. While it's good to serve in the soup kitchen during Lent or Advent, if we aren't making the practice of doing good a regular occurrence, we risk teaching our children that intentionally practicing virtue is a box-checking activity, and not one that needs to become part of the essential fabric of our lives.
Perhaps your current stage of family life isn't conducive to regular volunteer-work at your Parish or local St. Vincent de Paul chapter. That's fine! As the Catechism tells us, the Domestic Church is the first school of virtue, and family life provides us with plenty of opportunities to practice good every single day, even if it's just little things like making the bed for a sibling, taking on an extra chore, noticing a mess that you didn't make and cleaning it up without being asked. Make acts of service and opportunities to practice a specific virtue a brainstorming activity with your children, and get ready to praise them for all their ideas!